


Something To Live For

by thequidditchpitch_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Hogwarts Era, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-04
Updated: 2006-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-27 11:17:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10807968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequidditchpitch_archivist/pseuds/thequidditchpitch_archivist
Summary: There are things Harry knows and things he doesn't, but sometimes the line between the two gets blurred. As his years at Hogwarts pass, he gains greater clarity into who he is, what exactly it means to be Harry Potter, and what is truly important.





	Something To Live For

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

Living.

At eight years old, Harry figures being alive just is. It is not something he works for, it is just something that simply happens. He goes to sleep every night in his cupboard and wakes up every morning just the same as he was the night before, to Aunt Petunia’s shrill voice, no less.

No matter how many times he cries himself to sleep or wishes that he was not there anymore, that he were anyone else, or lived with anyone else, he still remains there. He cannot escape the loneliness that sets in when he sees Aunt Petunia hug Dudley or kiss him goodnight. He knows enough to know that other parents don’t lock their kids in cupboards or pretend they don’t exist. He may not remember what it feels like to have a mother’s embrace or a father’s protection. But just because he doesn’t remember what it feels like to be loved, doesn’t mean he can’t feel the ache in his heart, and it definitely doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what it feels like to be unloved. That is something Harry knows too well.

He can’t escape the fear either; the one that sets in when he is all alone in the dark. Lying there, Harry sometimes remembers green flashes, and yelling and feeling very scared. He isn’t sure what any of it means, except that it leaves him shaking and clammy, clutching the blankets around his body in the hug he knows he’ll never get.

***~*~***

Believing.

At eleven, Harry decides that perhaps there is more to living then he has ever imagined. As far as Harry is concerned, being alone and different is exactly what he is meant to do. Except, now that he has met Hagrid, things have changed. There is suddenly a world where he belongs, someplace where he won’t have to be alone or different.

When Hagrid buys him an owl for his birthday, Harry is overwhelmed and excited. It’s his first real birthday present and it makes him feel special. When Hagrid later buys him an ice cream and tells him what a great wizard he will be, he feels the grin break out on his face before he even realizes what he is doing.

For the first time in a long time, Harry feels hope.

***~*~***

Realizing.

When Harry turns twelve he has no grandiose ideas about being a great wizard, or being anything, really. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia have locked him in his room and there seems to be no way out. Not that he would have anywhere to go, but that point doesn‘t seem to matter at the moment. All Harry can think about is Hogwarts. For the first time ever, he has a place to call home. He even has friends; Ron and Hermione. He’s pretty sure they will still want to be friends with him after this. Assuming he ever gets let out again. But Harry doesn’t like to think about that because thinking about never going back to Hogwarts, about never seeing Ron again, fills him with the kind of loneliness he‘s only dreamt of; a loneliness he imagines he‘d feel for his parents if he could remember them.

Soon though, Harry hears a rumbling outside, as though the world is going to come crashing into his tiny room. Or perhaps a fairy god mother coming to rescue him, not that he ever really believed in fairy tales or happy endings.

As Harry glimpses Ron’s smile through the cold, steel bars, he’s pretty sure that that’s as close as he’ll ever come to being rescued. His very own red headed prince charming.

***~*~***

Accepting.

By the time Harry turns thirteen he has learned that there is no way to change who he is, no way to hide it, and no way to escape. He has learned to accept it though. Not all people are like him. He is different, and they fear that. It had gnawed away at him in the beginning, knowing that people feared him. Now, Harry remembers that fear has it‘s advantages. He isn’t sure what they are and even though he fears that knowledge, he knows that one day he will need it.

Just before it’s time to go back to Hogwarts, his Aunt Marge comes to visit. Harry tries to behave, really he does, but there are just some things he cannot accept. Things he will not hear. Without a second thought, Harry is fleeing, leaving behind the emptiness. He doesn’t know where he’s going or what he’s going to do. Instead, his thoughts are centered on laughter, and freckles, and the kind of acceptance that only comes from a best mate.

***~*~***

Regretting.

There are some things in life which can never be changed. Harry is fourteen and he knows this now better than ever. He cannot bring his parents back, he cannot bring Sirius out of hiding, he can’t get his name out of the Goblet of Fire and he cannot reclaim the sleep he hasn’t had in weeks. There is no reprieve.

Harry regrets all these things, even if he is powerless to change them. He sometimes regrets being here at all when it leads to pain and destruction for others.

Most of all, Harry’s regrets center around Ron. Around their fight, around Ron’s instant belief that Harry lied. He regrets whatever he did in the past that made Ron doubt him, whatever caused this distance. Once again people fear him, they distrust him. He hears the whispers and the taunts. _Not good enough. No champion. Potter Stinks_. It is not just Ron anymore, but somehow Harry thinks that if he still had Ron, then it wouldn’t matter so much what everyone else thought.

***~*~***

Trusting,

By the time Harry is fifteen he has learned a great deal, most importantly that you cannot trust anyone. At least that’s what he figures after being stranded all alone with the Dursleys all summer, only to encounter a Dementor and then a Ministry summons. Then, when he is finally set free from that horrible house, he finds out that Ron and Hermione have been in contact, have even spent time together, and all the while he has been agonizing over their safety, over their friendship. He is so angry, and so hurt and so betrayed. His prosecution for using the Patronus charm only furthers his belief that adults and the Ministry were unreliable.

Returning to Hogwarts has not provided the sanctuary of previous years. Intolerable occlumency lessons with Snape, bloody hands with words he will never forget, glimpses of a father nothing like he imagined, and visions that rip at his mind and threaten to taint his heart.

By the end of fifth year, Harry feels he has lost it all. He has lost his faith, his trust, and most of all, Sirius. The closest thing to a family he has ever known has been viscously stolen from him. The grief is all consuming and he thinks he just might drown in it.

***~*~***

Loving.

After Harry turns sixteen, it seems a whole new world has opened up for him. Though his grief for Sirius has diminished, it is still there and he finds himself needing, lacking something. He wants, he craves, and even though he can’t put a name on it, he feels it in his bones and he can feel it in his heart. There is something missing, something very good.

Seeing Ron make out with Lavender causes Harry to feel jealous and insecure, but he pushes it aside. He’s happy for Ron, even if he thinks this relationship won’t work out because he knows Ron is happy. Harry tells himself that he’s just missing the time they used to spend together.

Later, when Harry sees Ginny kissing Dean, he feels odd, sort of like he’s been kicked in the stomach. He figures that it must mean he likes her. Why else would he wake up from erotic dreams thinking of red hair and freckles and warm hands? He sometimes remembers blue eyes, but Ginny has brown eyes, so it must just be his imagination.

As his sixth year ends, Harry realizes that loving doesn’t end with death. And it doesn’t begin with relationships either. Being with Ginny was nice, but it isn't what he needs. He knows they could have had years, because it was safe and easy back then, but that isn’t what Harry needs and he knows he has to end it.

Things are changing, he knows they will never be the same. There are horcruxes to find, and a school he must leave behind. The deaths are going to pile up and the war is going to be in full scale. Lives will be ending and he is leaving some things behind forever. He isn’t a child anymore and any shred of innocence he still has will be lost before the year is over. Yet, as he falls asleep, he dreams once again of red hair and freckles and warm hands, but this time he _knows_ there are blue eyes watching over him and strong arms holding him.

Perhaps it isn’t simply about living, that just isn’t enough. Just maybe, it’s about allowing yourself to love, to live not only for yourself, but for someone else.

 

 

 

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters.  
 _Feedback is always greatly appreciated!_  



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